Understanding Perception, Behaviour, and Voice in Preteens and Teenagers
One of the important lessons we teach preteens and teenagers in coaching is the concept of perception — how people come to conclusions about us based not only on what we intend, but on what they repeatedly experience from us.
In school environments especially, perception is formed through patterns:
being late often, arguing frequently, withdrawing from responsibilities, or reacting emotionally in moments of frustration. Over time, these behaviours can create a profile about a young person, whether accurate or incomplete. Teachers and adults tend to respond to patterns they observe, not always to the deeper reasons behind them.
However, this is only one part of the picture.
It is equally important to acknowledge that adults do not always interpret teenagers correctly. A young person who speaks up when they feel something is unfair may be labelled disrespectful, when in fact they are attempting to express themselves or defend a boundary. Not all adults are equally skilled at working with adolescents, and sometimes impatience, misunderstanding, or rigid expectations can escalate situations unnecessarily.
This creates a difficult developmental space for preteens and teenagers.
They are expected to behave with maturity while their brains are still developing the very skills required for emotional regulation, impulse control, and perspective-taking. The part of the brain responsible for these abilities — executive function — is still under construction throughout adolescence. This is why parents often feel they must repeat the same instructions many times. Repetition is not evidence of defiance; it is part of neurological growth.
At the same time, young people are learning an important life skill: social intelligence.
Social intelligence does not mean being agreeable or suppressing one’s voice. It means learning to:
read situations,
recognize emotional climates,
understand how timing and tone affect outcomes,
and choose responses that protect both dignity and opportunity.
In coaching, we help young people understand that there is a difference between having a voice and knowing when and how to use it effectively. Sometimes stepping back in a heated moment is not weakness — it is emotional regulation. It allows space for a more constructive conversation later.
Parents can support this process by remembering three things:
Behaviour communicates before intention does.
Others respond to what they see repeatedly.Teenagers are still developing regulation skills.
Growth requires patience, guidance, and modelling from adults.Authenticity and wisdom must grow together.
Young people should not learn silence, but they must learn timing, emotional awareness, and self-management.
Our goal is not to raise agreeable children, but socially intelligent young adults who can remain true to themselves while navigating real-world systems thoughtfully and effectively.
Development is a process — for teenagers and for the adults guiding them.